the world for more than it simply is

Below are a series of observations made in the past few days here in Sai Gon.

A woman carries around an infant
hours before dawn even breaks,
the child may not even be hers,
perhaps borrowed or rented,
she sells gum to tourists.

Children lay asleep on the sidewalk
covered in pieces of tattered cloth for warmth,
one takes a break from her nightmarish work
and joins her sibling on the tarped pavement.

A prostitute covered in layers of make-up
asks for a light.
She smiles after her cigarette is well and lit
while waiting for the balding western men to return.

A child of not even ten sits
outside a night time eatery
selling chewing gum to patrons.
She is frail like a skeleton.

Young girls all about town sell roses
in front of the church,
at the bars,
at the art exhibition.
All at night.

Cambodia, thus far, has many faces which I have come to understand in the few days which I have been here–be it tourist, commercial, impoverished, underdeveloped, or otherwise. To see every possible side of a place is impossible on just a single visit. This country has a heart which I plan to see again one day.

Today is my last full day here in Phnom Penh–around by bicycle is how I’ll go. Yesterday I visited the Royal Palace, Russian Market, S-21 Museum, and the Killing Fields. The most memorable of these, if that is the way to phrase it, were the museum and fields as these presented the visual and emotion knowledge of the genocide during the Khmer Rouge regime. These images, both graphic and brutal to the mind, show the vicious capacity which humanity can bring onto itself.

A few days prior I was in Siem Reap–by far the most tourist of cities I have been to in Cambodia up to this point. However, I was able to witness the remnants of both Buddhist and Hindu cultures in the Khmer past. These structures, which include Angkor Wat, provide an vivid example of human imagination. On the contemporary side of things, one is able to witness the labors of children assisting in the livelihoods of their families when barraged by children selling handicrafts at each of these sites.

Each place has its own peoples and histories which give it life.

The study abroad program in Ha Noi has come to an end–I am now back in Sai Gon before heading to Siem Reap and Phnom Penh for a few days. Soon enough Christmas and New Year’s will come to pass and I will be back in the states. I can already sense that I will have some level of depression upon my return. In fact, I have already started to plan my future returns to this country.

Four o’clock this morning, after farewells at both Balcony Bar and the newly opened Hanoi Alcochol University, Nguyet, Hac, and I were on to our way to the airport without sleep. Arriving in Sai Gon around eight thirty, we gathered our luggage before parting ways. For this was all we had left for now apart from the past conversations, adventures, and times we all had together.

Today is my mother’s birthday back in states, Happy Birthday Mom!

I’m still here, but I feel like I already miss it at the same time–places, people, time. Over the course of half a year away from home, I feel as though I am no longer the same person as before. I may look the same, but the thoughts within my mind have irreparably developed into something new altogether. The world is in a different light now. I have scrutinized both past and present action and thought, and now it seems as though I am looking for something more, or someone or someplace rather who can provide this sense of ‘more’.

In a recent series of events, I may have created the opportunity to seduce a slightly older woman whom I have befriended before my departure from Hà Nội. The past and part of my current self would argue that I should go for this ‘chance’. But the question is: whether or not this really is worth what the disregarded aftermath will bring. This woman, whom I will leave unnamed, has what most would call low self-esteem in that she needs the constant reaffirmation that she is in fact not ugly. Part of why she thinks she is not pleasant to the eyes stems from a past long-term boyfriend who left her by citing that the reason was because of her appearence. This is a horrible thing which has happened, and it leaves its mark on who she is now.

While thinking this over this morning, I have realized that if I were to have sex with her it would only reaffirm this notion in her mind. What would have occured afterward would have been that she would continue to believe that in order to be beautiful, she must give herself to men. In addition, what would become of her upon my departure from Hà Nội if I were to take this line of action? If I do not seek any sort of long-term relationship with this woman, why leave her shattered? I cannot and will not take advantage of her situation.

Thanks in part to a discussion I have had with some friends here, it would be best if I was to not take action for that is an action in itself. Instead, I should find a way to convince her that she is beautiful without resorting to lust and seduction. I somehow intend to alter her own self perception and general outlook on life. Oddly, this reminds me of a conversation I once had with a friend. In this conversation some time ago, I tried to convince her that there is more than what the confines of a box will bring. However, I may have failed then. To feel beautiful has many definitions, yet I hope that it is not simply to be desired for sex.

The Clip.

HAO. THIS IS TUAN. NO SHOWING THE CLIP “I LIKE TITIES” OF MINE TO MORE OTHERS. OTHERWISE I WILL KILL U&HAC. MY GIRLFRIEND ‘LL RUN AWAY IF SHE KNOWS IT. SEE U AT 7PM..