the world for more than it simply is

I’m still here, but I feel like I already miss it at the same time–places, people, time. Over the course of half a year away from home, I feel as though I am no longer the same person as before. I may look the same, but the thoughts within my mind have irreparably developed into something new altogether. The world is in a different light now. I have scrutinized both past and present action and thought, and now it seems as though I am looking for something more, or someone or someplace rather who can provide this sense of ‘more’.

In a recent series of events, I may have created the opportunity to seduce a slightly older woman whom I have befriended before my departure from Hà Nội. The past and part of my current self would argue that I should go for this ‘chance’. But the question is: whether or not this really is worth what the disregarded aftermath will bring. This woman, whom I will leave unnamed, has what most would call low self-esteem in that she needs the constant reaffirmation that she is in fact not ugly. Part of why she thinks she is not pleasant to the eyes stems from a past long-term boyfriend who left her by citing that the reason was because of her appearence. This is a horrible thing which has happened, and it leaves its mark on who she is now.

While thinking this over this morning, I have realized that if I were to have sex with her it would only reaffirm this notion in her mind. What would have occured afterward would have been that she would continue to believe that in order to be beautiful, she must give herself to men. In addition, what would become of her upon my departure from Hà Nội if I were to take this line of action? If I do not seek any sort of long-term relationship with this woman, why leave her shattered? I cannot and will not take advantage of her situation.

Thanks in part to a discussion I have had with some friends here, it would be best if I was to not take action for that is an action in itself. Instead, I should find a way to convince her that she is beautiful without resorting to lust and seduction. I somehow intend to alter her own self perception and general outlook on life. Oddly, this reminds me of a conversation I once had with a friend. In this conversation some time ago, I tried to convince her that there is more than what the confines of a box will bring. However, I may have failed then. To feel beautiful has many definitions, yet I hope that it is not simply to be desired for sex.