the world for more than it simply is

I’m still here, but I feel like I already miss it at the same time–places, people, time. Over the course of half a year away from home, I feel as though I am no longer the same person as before. I may look the same, but the thoughts within my mind have irreparably developed into something new altogether. The world is in a different light now. I have scrutinized both past and present action and thought, and now it seems as though I am looking for something more, or someone or someplace rather who can provide this sense of ‘more’.

In a recent series of events, I may have created the opportunity to seduce a slightly older woman whom I have befriended before my departure from Hà Nội. The past and part of my current self would argue that I should go for this ‘chance’. But the question is: whether or not this really is worth what the disregarded aftermath will bring. This woman, whom I will leave unnamed, has what most would call low self-esteem in that she needs the constant reaffirmation that she is in fact not ugly. Part of why she thinks she is not pleasant to the eyes stems from a past long-term boyfriend who left her by citing that the reason was because of her appearence. This is a horrible thing which has happened, and it leaves its mark on who she is now.

While thinking this over this morning, I have realized that if I were to have sex with her it would only reaffirm this notion in her mind. What would have occured afterward would have been that she would continue to believe that in order to be beautiful, she must give herself to men. In addition, what would become of her upon my departure from Hà Nội if I were to take this line of action? If I do not seek any sort of long-term relationship with this woman, why leave her shattered? I cannot and will not take advantage of her situation.

Thanks in part to a discussion I have had with some friends here, it would be best if I was to not take action for that is an action in itself. Instead, I should find a way to convince her that she is beautiful without resorting to lust and seduction. I somehow intend to alter her own self perception and general outlook on life. Oddly, this reminds me of a conversation I once had with a friend. In this conversation some time ago, I tried to convince her that there is more than what the confines of a box will bring. However, I may have failed then. To feel beautiful has many definitions, yet I hope that it is not simply to be desired for sex.

The Clip.

HAO. THIS IS TUAN. NO SHOWING THE CLIP “I LIKE TITIES” OF MINE TO MORE OTHERS. OTHERWISE I WILL KILL U&HAC. MY GIRLFRIEND ‘LL RUN AWAY IF SHE KNOWS IT. SEE U AT 7PM..

I celebrated my birthday on Saturday night here with some friends whom I have met through the course of these few months. For my birthday, we had dinner at Kaiser Kaffee on Bà Triệu, a German restaurant with decent bratwurst.

After dinner was a stop over to Minh’s Jazz Club where there was some good live music. Next up in the night was chilling at G/C bar where I watched Arsenal lose the game. The night concluded at the food stands of the Chợ Đêm Dộng Xuân where I consumed an additional phở xao and my xao. I might be putting on some weight due to nighttime eating habits (the previous night I was there eating two fried rices.) All in all, with the birthday drinks and people present, it was great.

It is a bit disappointing that there is less than a month left of study. Time here in Hà Nội has become too swift. I am looking forward to what is left.

I do not believe that I have seen clear blue skies once since setting foot in Hà Nội, or perhaps I have not been looking up enough. Earlier in the week, I did happen to see the outline of the rising red sun battling for survival through the layer of grey I have come to know as the sky. As with many developing cities participating in the industrial race to further their economic gains, the city is in a constant state of road construction, congested traffic, and noise pollution. The road construction, which seems to be moving along at a considerably slow pace, invokes much dust into the air which itches eyes and throats when on motorbike. The congested traffic of thousands of motorbikes spewing unchecked amounts of smog are an eyesore. Drivers also tend to honk their horns at the most unnecessary of times.

The upside of all this pollution is that one is able to focus on the finer qualities of life–food. Unfortunately, the food in the city is not all that good to begin with. The only unique northern Vietnamese dish which I have come to enjoy is Chả Cá Lã Vọng. Other than that, all other standard dishes sold here are usually mediocre.

Our study program is scheduled to begin a week-long excursion to the South on Friday (if that tropical storm succeeds in switching paths closer to China). I have not been this excited for awhile.

All chicken-eating enthusiasts should be excited to know that another KFC has opened up in the city on Bà Triêu. I actually went to eat dinner there with Kara, Hac, and Jacob on its grand opening night. The chicken could had been even more delicious had it stayed more stationary while alive. After eating this meal of fried chicken thighs with fries and a coke, I washed my hands at the handwash sink while my tray was politely cleared from the table by the employees.

Last night, I applied for a summer internship with the US State Department in either the Ivory Coast or Austria. I hope I get one of the two.

Hatred. I usually consider this emotion to be a waste of time, but alas it lingers within thoughts and is reflected in action. For these unintentional actions, I apologize to those unjustly affected by my hatred not only today, but also over the course of time past. The reason for my daily disdain grows and will probably continue to. However, by little measure will this have much of an impact on my abroad experience. Perhaps by the time it is to part ways, amends will take place. Better to understand than to make war eh?

Digressing from the initial topic, I would like to make mention of a friend here in Ha Noi who got the short end of the stick from sketchy business deals which caused her to lose a substantial amount of capital. The system works differently here–verbal agreements rather than contracts, payment after rather than before services. Working this system, her business partners screwed her out of her investment it seems. My sympathy goes out to her. My advice: to never give up, and to rebuild and relearn when needed.

On a lighter note, one of my language teachers contributed the idea that the flavor of foods improves as one heads southward. This might true in my case, as I am more accustomed to the cuisine of South Viet Nam. Mono-sodium glutamate can only take you so far.

Awoken early today around eleven am by Ha Linh–she had finished work early and had nothing to do before our meeting to visit the Vietnam Museum of Ethnology (Bảo tàng Dân tộc học Việt Nam). We had breakfast or perhaps it was brunch before meeting up Hạc and his tutor Quyen to go to the museum together.

 
Along with a look into the lives of Việt Nam’s many minority groups, there was a feature exhibit on the Bao Cấp/Subsidy System era of Việt Nam from 1975 to 1986. During this time, the country existed on a system of redeemable coupons based on citizen rank to obtain living essentials such as rice, meat, clothing, etc. Speaking to Ha Linh on the period, she recalled that she had it better than most during the time since her father was a musician (flute) whose services were required by the government. She explained that because of this, they were able to obtain food easier than others–often times, commoners would have to wait in line all day starting from midnight to receive their food rations. At times, the food supply would run out and those who had been waiting all day would go home empty-handed. Also regarding the food supply, the exhibit noted that rice would often times be moldy or smelly when it was distributed to commoners. Thus, their dreams were generally more limited to just obtaining a rice stipend that did not smell.

 
These were hard times in Việt Nam’s post-war existence, in which black markets and other operations would appear. Recalling further memories, Ha Linh said that her mother learned how to knit during this era in order to make clothing to sell in order to get other supplies (almost a system of bartering). Likewise, because of this era of hardships, her only manufactured toy was a doll which she was only allowed to play with every two weeks when she was on her best behavior as another could not be afforded to replace it.

 
Life was different then. The exhibit states that the future of Việt Nam is moving towards a brighter one now.

Second week here in Hà Nội, and I have realized how terrible my Vietnamese reading skills are. I have been placed in the beginner’s class to begin from the start along with some other students. I should reach a sufficient reading level within a month with the classes everyday and the weekly tutor meeting with Hà Linh.

Yesterday was the scheduled field trip to Văn Miếu (Temple of Literature). Brian guided us on a tour of the place, and provided some unique information on the history of the structure built to worship Confucius. The buildings and enclosed pond were magnificent. There was a traditional performance of Vietnamese music in the rear structure, which I briefly listened to. However, the adjacent enclosed park was closed to the public for the day–I will assume that repairs were underway there.

 
After the visit to Văn Miếu, we took some cabs over to Phố Hàng Bạc to purchase tickets for our trip to Ha Long Bay this weekend. Since Monday is a national holiday, I will be returning from there on Monday afternoon. Our plan is to spend three days and two nights there, with one night on a boat. This trip should include some sea kayaking, trekking on Cat Ba Island, and general lounging on the beaches.

 
With our bookings complete, Hac and I walked down the street to locate our grandmother’s old home. 1 Hàng Bạc has now been converted into a clothing store and is most likely unrecognizable from over fifty years prior. I cannot say that I felt much of any emotional reaction to seeing the place, as over fifty years ago I probably did not exist yet. The memories of the place are not my own, and thus it just feels like one scene out of many that I have no personal attachment to. I think I am starting to understand the greater difference between a visitor and a resident of a location. I suppose that after my four months here, I will feel something when I have to go back to the states. After snapping some photos of the place, the two of us wandered around the area until we located some food vendors selling an assortment of delicious fried foods.

 
This upcoming Friday, we will be consuming a snake dinner at Lệ Mật village on the outskirts of the city. I have never before eaten snake, and am really looking to that too in addition to the three day trip.

I think it has reached that point where we have all gotten to know one another more or less. The week of orientation is coming to a close here in Ha Noi; today there will be a scavenger hunt and a dinner to meet the language tutors as language classes begin Monday. This week has been an interesting one as I have gotten to know more about individuals who I will be seeing for the next few months here. I have noticed that it is usually the case that people have more to talk about when discussing commonalities. An example? People who have frequented major cities in the states have longer conversations about these cities, while others not knowledgeable on these locations have less to contribute.

In the morning class yesterday, I made a brief presentation on my sociological findings– that a street side food vendor woman whom I had interviewed believed that in ten years, Viet Nam would be an entirely different environment and she would have to close her unregulated shop as the government ‘encouraged’ the vendors to move into more expensive indoor structures to do business. Others in the class provided similar if not opposite perspectives. While on this subject, I did happen to talk to a xe om driver the same day I interviewed the street side food vendor woman. His response to my inquiry was that in ten years, Viet Nam would be about the same and there would not be a shift to cars, but instead motor bikes will remain in large quantities.

 
After class yesterday, I decided to wander the city on my own as an useful way to know a place is to walk around until one gets lost and then backtrack back to the starting point through recognition of familiar sites. In this way, I realized that the streets are not parallel as they seem to be, and that this single area alone has much to offer in terms of commerce. This trek was followed by a lengthy discussion on safe sex and local attitudes toward interracial dating. Later on, I chose to use the transport capacities of my bicycle to explore some of the nearby areas where I ran into Kara and Nguyet.

 
Last night was an eventful one, possibly the most thus far. The night started with three of us meeting with Julie and her friend Tyler and later some of the EAP students for dinner at Quán Ăn Ngon, a place that served street stall foods at low prices in a decorative setting. After dinner, the three of us from CIEE stopped by a bar called Relax where the beers were overpriced and the bar girls having to sit and entertain the old foreign men. It is a sad situation to see this occur, but this is not the only region where I have seen this occur during my travels here.
Continuing on with the night, we met up with the EAP students and the rest of CIEE for a night on the town beginning at the Toilet Club. We would later move locations to The Balcony Bar, where the music was not as loud and longer conversations could be heard. I had a lengthy talk with Kim My from EAP, who was ostracised by the majority of her fellow students for her views and actions. Though one may not agree with another’s views, I believe that it is possible to develop more than a superficial friendship with that person. Also at this bar, I had a talk with Julie about her outlook on the future of Viet Nam and what her plans were to contribute to this society. Afterwards, the remaining three of us from CIEE left together as the others had left earlier on. In the taxi, Nguyet, Hac, and I had a discussion on how to include the other CIEE students and not have certain groups formed simply on the basis of comfort. Near the close of the night, we joined a going away gathering for a Laos student by the name of Air Noi. Through talking with him, I learned about his plans to use his planning and investment major to help the poor residents in his homeland of six million citizens. Other people I met were Caroline from the states who had been studying and teaching in Viet Nam for some time, some individuals from either Laos or Cambodia studying in Ha Noi by the names of Sambo, John, another Air Noi, and some others I cannot recall the names of at this time.

CIEE has officially begun–it is the nearing the end of the second day of orientation. This year’s group of students come from diverse regions of the states and seem like an interesting bunch. During yesterday’s ‘arrival’ day, I met Jacob, Katie, Danielle, Michael, and Nguyet. After the introductions, Hac and I went to meet his friend Julie for lunch near Ho Hoan Kiem. However, we arrived too early and decided to have ourselves a streetside snack of bun with fried egg rolls and tofu. Shortly thereafter, we dined at a fancy restaurant (by local standards) which I do not recall the name of–a meal of beef cubes with potatoes, sweet and sour fish, and rau muong. Afterwards, we walked over to the lake where I had some kem khoai mon or something like it. I was sweating buckets the whole time while outside as being out of the country for two weeks has decreased my immunity to the heat.

The orientation group dinner took place at a restaurant in the Old Quarter where my meal was bland. A tour guide/coffee grower and his friend joined us during the meal. After dinner, the seven of us and later Eric hit up some a nearby bar. Our drinking session provided us to an extent the opportunity to get past the awkwardness of meeting new people. Later on, we would wander around searching for a karaoke bar only to find a club called New Century that would not allow us in as shorts were not part of the dress code.

This morning before more orientation I met the final program participant, Kara from Ohio who had arrived late the previous night while we were out drinking and causing mayhem around the Old Quarter. The first class which I attended here in Ha Noi today was a literature class taught by Brian. Though it is three and a half hours long, it only meets once a week. I did get the chance to meet some of the EAP participants interested in the class though.

Though I would rather still be traveling throughout Asia without a schedule, I am looking forward to this semester.

Back in Ha Noi; everything is cheap again, I can spit freely on the ground, and there is more litter on the streets (all unlike Singapore). Waking up this morning, I incorrectly read the time to be three minutes until eleven and thought we had to check out of our hostel. However it was actually only ten, as my drunken haze of the previous night caused me a bit of time confusion when viewing my non-digital fake Swiss watch I bought the previous day.

After the early checkout, I made myself some hard-boiled eggs for breakfast and watched a movie in the lounge area until it was time to depart for the flight out. On the ride to the airport, our taxi driver, Dan, discussed the downsides of the Singapore market economy. Included in this talk were the high cost of living, the expensive annual road tax, and other financial situations of the city. According to Dan, the ordinary citizens of the city go to Orchard Road on the weekends to sit around. They do not actually buy things like the tourists as everything is expensive there. Likewise, a large proportion of Singaporians buy homes in nearby Malaysia and commute to work everyday in Singapore. It was an interesting perspective to hear as I assumed the majority of Singaporians were wealthy shopaholics. At the end of the drive, I was once again outside Singapore’s six month old Budget Terminal–an inkling that one is too cheap to fly in the standard airport.

The previous day I had dim-sum in Chinatown for lunch. It took awhile to find the restaurant, but it was well beyond our expectations. For the low price of $22SGD, we ate like kings (if kings might not find commoner food disagreeable for their palates). After the delicious meal, we waited for the CityBuzz bus to take us around since we had mistakenly bought a daypass confusing it to be used for the subway. Our mistake proved beneficial as we were able to see many locations above ground which we would not had even known about travelling under.

The main stop for the day were the shopping malls and plazas of Orchard Road where everything is seemingly overpriced for the well-off tourist. With a lot of calorie burning and food court meals, it pretty much leveled out. In total, I spent around $40USD throughout the day purchasing things which caught my eye, yet I did not actually need. I would have to say that my best purchase were two shirts from Baleno–a clothing store with pictures of Andy Lau and Faye Wong modeling the company’s clothes.

After several hours on Orchard, we took the MRT from Dhoby Ghaut station to City Hall to catch a nighttime glimpse of the War Memorial Monument, Raffles City, Suntec City, its koi pond, and the Fountain of Wealth. The monument was splendid, the malls closing, and the fountain lights exstinguished ten minutes before our arrival. One would think an unlit fountain a lost, but I turned it into a win situation by snapping a parnoramic picture of it.

So yeah, tomorrow is the arrival day for the rest of the CIEE participants.