The last day in Viet Nam has finally arrived for me after almost everyone has already gone and left. There are parts about the states which I look forward to seeing again–family and friends mostly. However, I have been here for so long that I do not yet want to leave this place. My future plan, if it remains constant, is to return to Viet Nam in a year and a half to two years time after graduation. There is much about this country that needs to be addressed, but I do not yet have the capacity to. At current, I see Viet Nam as one of the countries in which I will do future work in and have a residence in.

What I will remember most about this country are the people I’ve met and befriended throughout my travels and studies in this region. Secondary to the people are the unique landscapes in each region I’ve visited. One day I will return here.

Below are a series of observations made in the past few days here in Sai Gon.

A woman carries around an infant
hours before dawn even breaks,
the child may not even be hers,
perhaps borrowed or rented,
she sells gum to tourists.

Children lay asleep on the sidewalk
covered in pieces of tattered cloth for warmth,
one takes a break from her nightmarish work
and joins her sibling on the tarped pavement.

A prostitute covered in layers of make-up
asks for a light.
She smiles after her cigarette is well and lit
while waiting for the balding western men to return.

A child of not even ten sits
outside a night time eatery
selling chewing gum to patrons.
She is frail like a skeleton.

Young girls all about town sell roses
in front of the church,
at the bars,
at the art exhibition.
All at night.

Cambodia, thus far, has many faces which I have come to understand in the few days which I have been here–be it tourist, commercial, impoverished, underdeveloped, or otherwise. To see every possible side of a place is impossible on just a single visit. This country has a heart which I plan to see again one day.

Today is my last full day here in Phnom Penh–around by bicycle is how I’ll go. Yesterday I visited the Royal Palace, Russian Market, S-21 Museum, and the Killing Fields. The most memorable of these, if that is the way to phrase it, were the museum and fields as these presented the visual and emotion knowledge of the genocide during the Khmer Rouge regime. These images, both graphic and brutal to the mind, show the vicious capacity which humanity can bring onto itself.

A few days prior I was in Siem Reap–by far the most tourist of cities I have been to in Cambodia up to this point. However, I was able to witness the remnants of both Buddhist and Hindu cultures in the Khmer past. These structures, which include Angkor Wat, provide an vivid example of human imagination. On the contemporary side of things, one is able to witness the labors of children assisting in the livelihoods of their families when barraged by children selling handicrafts at each of these sites.

Each place has its own peoples and histories which give it life.

The study abroad program in Ha Noi has come to an end–I am now back in Sai Gon before heading to Siem Reap and Phnom Penh for a few days. Soon enough Christmas and New Year’s will come to pass and I will be back in the states. I can already sense that I will have some level of depression upon my return. In fact, I have already started to plan my future returns to this country.

Four o’clock this morning, after farewells at both Balcony Bar and the newly opened Hanoi Alcochol University, Nguyet, Hac, and I were on to our way to the airport without sleep. Arriving in Sai Gon around eight thirty, we gathered our luggage before parting ways. For this was all we had left for now apart from the past conversations, adventures, and times we all had together.

Today is my mother’s birthday back in states, Happy Birthday Mom!

I’m still here, but I feel like I already miss it at the same time–places, people, time. Over the course of half a year away from home, I feel as though I am no longer the same person as before. I may look the same, but the thoughts within my mind have irreparably developed into something new altogether. The world is in a different light now. I have scrutinized both past and present action and thought, and now it seems as though I am looking for something more, or someone or someplace rather who can provide this sense of ‘more’.

In a recent series of events, I may have created the opportunity to seduce a slightly older woman whom I have befriended before my departure from Hà Nội. The past and part of my current self would argue that I should go for this ‘chance’. But the question is: whether or not this really is worth what the disregarded aftermath will bring. This woman, whom I will leave unnamed, has what most would call low self-esteem in that she needs the constant reaffirmation that she is in fact not ugly. Part of why she thinks she is not pleasant to the eyes stems from a past long-term boyfriend who left her by citing that the reason was because of her appearence. This is a horrible thing which has happened, and it leaves its mark on who she is now.

While thinking this over this morning, I have realized that if I were to have sex with her it would only reaffirm this notion in her mind. What would have occured afterward would have been that she would continue to believe that in order to be beautiful, she must give herself to men. In addition, what would become of her upon my departure from Hà Nội if I were to take this line of action? If I do not seek any sort of long-term relationship with this woman, why leave her shattered? I cannot and will not take advantage of her situation.

Thanks in part to a discussion I have had with some friends here, it would be best if I was to not take action for that is an action in itself. Instead, I should find a way to convince her that she is beautiful without resorting to lust and seduction. I somehow intend to alter her own self perception and general outlook on life. Oddly, this reminds me of a conversation I once had with a friend. In this conversation some time ago, I tried to convince her that there is more than what the confines of a box will bring. However, I may have failed then. To feel beautiful has many definitions, yet I hope that it is not simply to be desired for sex.

The Clip.

HAO. THIS IS TUAN. NO SHOWING THE CLIP “I LIKE TITIES” OF MINE TO MORE OTHERS. OTHERWISE I WILL KILL U&HAC. MY GIRLFRIEND ‘LL RUN AWAY IF SHE KNOWS IT. SEE U AT 7PM..

I celebrated my birthday on Saturday night here with some friends whom I have met through the course of these few months. For my birthday, we had dinner at Kaiser Kaffee on Bà Triệu, a German restaurant with decent bratwurst.

After dinner was a stop over to Minh’s Jazz Club where there was some good live music. Next up in the night was chilling at G/C bar where I watched Arsenal lose the game. The night concluded at the food stands of the Chợ Đêm Dộng Xuân where I consumed an additional phở xao and my xao. I might be putting on some weight due to nighttime eating habits (the previous night I was there eating two fried rices.) All in all, with the birthday drinks and people present, it was great.

It is a bit disappointing that there is less than a month left of study. Time here in Hà Nội has become too swift. I am looking forward to what is left.

Strange how many in Việt Nam welcome its entry into the World Trade Organisation (WTO). This will bring about further job and education abroad opportunities to the peoples of Việt Nam, but what are the costs exactly?

The whole idea of global integration may contradict the founding ideologies of Communism. Greater wealth and purchasing power, competition among individuals and businesses, production no longer just for internal use–this stage of communism may be shifting to an entirely new capitalistic model.

Likewise, the conflict of years prior to remove Western influence and occupation has seemingly been fruitless in this regard. Việt Nam may soon develop into something along the lines of what they have fought against becoming.

Then comes the question of whether or not this global integration is inevitable and has always been happening. I would contend that the exchange of foreign ideologies and cultural aspects has always been in play throughout the course of Việt Nam’s history. Many of Việt Nam’s leaders and intellectuals have lived, worked, studied, or traveled abroad–with these experiences bringing greater outside interaction and knowledge to this country. By definition, Hồ Chí Minh was a Việt Kiều of thirty years after all. Likewise, Phan Bội Châu’s writings suggests that the knowledge he gained from the outside would help him to ‘reclaim’ his country from the likes of the French.

It seems an entirely sovereign country self-sufficient on its own solidarity has never come to pass if that was the idealistic goal of the campaign. Just pointing out the obvious.

Destroying part of oneself only to rebuild it in the same likeness. Why do some people (patriots) forge new names/identities for themselves? This has been in occurrence through the course of Việt Nam’s history. To create the means to battle infractions that they deem harmful perhaps.

On another note, I have been informed that Việt Nam’s education curriculum is changing from a listen and reproduce to one where the student must think for himself in a more open-ended structure. What sort of society might this produce in the near future?

The aftermath of the Vietnam-American war has been greatly emphasized through the course of the past few days through visits to the former Presidential Palace, the War Remnants Museum, the Tây Ninh Holy See (Cao Đài), and the Củ Chi tunnel complex. Of course, the majority of what was shown is biased in the Việt Nam issued perspective as are the majority of showings of most controversial subject matter anywhere in this world. As it stands, each of these locations visited has that feeling of incompleteness.

The former blame as it were, is cast upon the government of the United States and its soldiers once occupying Việt Nam. Gruesome images of village massacres, agent orange disfigured individuals, video presentations displaying the vigor of the Vietnamese peoples, and other allotted sources of information were aplenty. These government-sponsored media, however biased, do provide another important perspective on this conflict which inadvertently continues to shape the course of our lives. For who enjoys admitting their own wrongs?

During the previous day’s visit to Tây Ninh sect of the Cao Đài religion, I was able to witness one of the sect’s daily masses. The organizational structure of Cao Đài in this region seems to closely resemble that of the Catholic Church–there are hierarchies in this conglomeration of beliefs with different colored robes representing the differences. Likewise, this sect is tied to also connected to the struggle of over thirty years prior.

Today after an early train departure to Phan Thiết, I have arrived in Mũi Né. Famous sand dunes and other sites tomorrow.

I took a late-night walk yesterday around the entirety of what is Ho Xuan Huong in Da Lat. It really is beautiful at night as an almost silence compliments the thirty-something odd street lights reflect off its surface. As I walked, thoughts came abound–I cannot fathom life living in the shadows of others. I have decided that I would rather be a leader in my own right, that I will make my take my own roads. This was the sense of what I perceived to be individuality yearning to make itself realized once again. In recent months I have become too lethargic and not determined enough. I see this trait as a significant flaw that needed amending–thus, during the course of my late-night walk I have made up my mind to become this leader whom others will be inspired by.

The city of Da Lat is as I remember it from months ago… the traffic is light compared to Ha Noi or HCMC, the people wearing winter clothes in cool weather, and the scenes brilliant. I do believe that I have enjoyed this southern town more so than its northern equivalent Sapa. Likewise, the food is getting noticeably better once again.

This evening after a day long bus ride with a stop over at the Pongour Waterfalls, I am finally back in Saigon. This is what I have been waiting for for weeks.